Today I almost "put the foot". Today I almost said "It's not you, it's me" [do not reed between the lines, this is not about you (now)] and that very moment a pain started in my chest. How could I dare to say those words after last year (1, 2)? How could I imagine to start pronouncing them? But it was true, this time, really, it was true. I know that when people say those words they don't really mean them. I know, cos I have said them and I have been the receiver as well. That's why the album was called this way, because it is never me, it is always you. But, going back to the main plot: I was almost about to say those words, but this time they were for real. I really meant them. This time it was all about me. But then, with the pain, I realised that this time is STILL (once more, still) not about me (when the hell is it going to be about me? - you know why I say this). This time was about the dotted one. Again, the dotted one comes from the recent past to bother me. I don't love him, I don't want him, but still he is there and his presence does not let me go ahead (move on, that is, but I don't like this expression). And here I am, between East and Further East trying to understand whether North or South. So many directions, so many destinies. But I don't know how to follow. I don't know what to do. Cos I can't. I am not able to let myself love and I am hating myself for it.I just want...
I just want to be happy.
Do I want a boyfriend?
Well, I don't know. The other cover tells that I do. I like to go to the cinema and to the theatre with you. But last Friday, well, last Friday you weren't by my side, you were in front of me. But on some moment, the couple next to you, and the couple next to me, both just hugged, both just were so romantically in love that I laughed. Did you hear? Well, I did. Because I want to hold you when we are watching a movie, but I want you to hold me back. But that is not the most important, the best is that we go to interesting things. We go to cinema that not many people goes - well, I know, the theatre is always full, but compare a few hundred people with the whole humanity - we go to spectacles that I die to go to. We have a cultural life that I always longed for. And I have so much to thank you. But I need you to hug me. I know you don't do those things, and that you don't even want to. But I need it.
But I am trying to be your friend. And now, Mr T is trying to get a second round and I am so scared, so deadly scared that I can't even think of saying yes. And he is real sweet, and I feel so sorry. If I say "well, no" he'll be sad. But I can't give him hopes. Can I? Is that being bad? I need him to be "badder". I need him to play hard to get, because this is what it really looks like I like. But do I?
And CupCake (is this a good nickname?). Let's call him Blue. So Blue is playing hard to get. And I do like him. But he is soft and I liked it.
But you know what? Escarola was right. She told me that I am confusing myself. I am "confús, confonent-me". I am making a mess of myself.
I can count to what? How many fingers did you say? So long...
This is two, and with this two it makes four.
This is exactly what I should do. I should just forget everything. I should just take my backpack and go to Danmark. Oh, Ísland is now? So Ísland it would be. I should just forget it ever happened. I should just, move away. That's even more effective than to move on.
------------but then, suddenly, someone else will come to entangle the ball of yarn that I had unravelled for so long------------
I just want to be happy.
Do I want a boyfriend?
Well, I don't know. The other cover tells that I do. I like to go to the cinema and to the theatre with you. But last Friday, well, last Friday you weren't by my side, you were in front of me. But on some moment, the couple next to you, and the couple next to me, both just hugged, both just were so romantically in love that I laughed. Did you hear? Well, I did. Because I want to hold you when we are watching a movie, but I want you to hold me back. But that is not the most important, the best is that we go to interesting things. We go to cinema that not many people goes - well, I know, the theatre is always full, but compare a few hundred people with the whole humanity - we go to spectacles that I die to go to. We have a cultural life that I always longed for. And I have so much to thank you. But I need you to hug me. I know you don't do those things, and that you don't even want to. But I need it.
But I am trying to be your friend. And now, Mr T is trying to get a second round and I am so scared, so deadly scared that I can't even think of saying yes. And he is real sweet, and I feel so sorry. If I say "well, no" he'll be sad. But I can't give him hopes. Can I? Is that being bad? I need him to be "badder". I need him to play hard to get, because this is what it really looks like I like. But do I?
And CupCake (is this a good nickname?). Let's call him Blue. So Blue is playing hard to get. And I do like him. But he is soft and I liked it.
But you know what? Escarola was right. She told me that I am confusing myself. I am "confús, confonent-me". I am making a mess of myself.
I can count to what? How many fingers did you say? So long...
This is two, and with this two it makes four.
This is exactly what I should do. I should just forget everything. I should just take my backpack and go to Danmark. Oh, Ísland is now? So Ísland it would be. I should just forget it ever happened. I should just, move away. That's even more effective than to move on.
------------but then, suddenly, someone else will come to entangle the ball of yarn that I had unravelled for so long------------
Before, I would have chosen this.
Still listening to Òscar Briz,
but of course, at work I have your CD.
I haven't knit in such a long time.
Still listening to Òscar Briz,
but of course, at work I have your CD.
I haven't knit in such a long time.
6 comments:
yes, it's you. it's you who has to move on. it's you who has to know what to do, not now, but it's you.
it hurts (with every heartbeat), I know. I've done it before, and I'm sure you have done it too.
you are afraid to lose. everybody is afraid to lose, but, as v. told me "life is losing and earning things".
ps: "I don't know" is already an answer. "I can't tell" is n
Completely lost and confused by life. Have you ever felt differently?
One cannot stop 'cause one doesn't know what to do next, what to choose, what on hell one desires... One must move on, and things become reality, and that's what matters.
Being afraid of choosing is a disease that makes people not being aware of how short life is. In the end, if you don't choose -being afraid of lossing- you loose everything 'cause life chooses instead...
It was nice last night :-)
Gatchan: i know, i know. i know, "then when?", well yes.
it does. you do. you have. i have - but...
am i? i just want stability.
PS: i don't think either work well.
Vulc: well, no, but, ... oh, god, Vulcano, I very much dislike when you do that.
i din't get it.
I can't explain myself well in english, so I'm going to do in spanish.
Solemos intentar que cosas que en un primer momento tuvieron sentido sigan teniéndolo en el presente, e, incluso, en el futuro, aún incluso cuando sabemos (aunque queramos no pensarlo) que hay algo que no funciona, que está podrido. Y quizás, ese algo pueda ser que la cosa nunca sea "sobre ti", que necesites algo no tan complicado que nunca recibas.
¿Es la huida una solución? Sí y no. Lo es si el cambio de emplazamiento también supone un cambio en la forma de entender la situación, un cambio que hará que, cuando vuelvas, no se vuelva a reproducir la misma situación, o, por lo menos, uno no sea la misma persona ante ella.
Es muy muy complicado salir de la rutina, cambiar lo que parece estar escrito, aceptar que, lo más posible (como dice Vulcano) es que siempre vayamos a estar perdidos y confusos...
¡Ánimo!
Cu: la verdad es que ya no sé qué pensar.
Buena respuesta :P
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